Friday, June 8, 2012
Strangely, I think I am just barely coming to this realization. For the most part Tatum has been pretty easy and I haven't really had any major challenges. Yes, she started out with her days and nights mixed up, but that only last a couple of weeks and by 6 weeks old she was sleeping for 10-12 hours straight at night. Yes, she had a fussy day now and again, but they only ever lasted a day and then she would sleep for 10-12 hours, giving me ample opportunity to rest and recuperate and then we would both be happy the next day.
Sadly, she stopped sleeping through the night when Brennan's family came for a visit back at the end of March. It was sad, but she was usually only waking up once and she would eat quickly and go right back down. Not bad.
Now, she hates to sleep. At night or during the day. It seems to tick her off that she gets tired so instead of giving into her exhaustion, she fights it. Along with this change has come another one related to the shirt she is wearing in the picture above. That's right, she is totally a mommy's girl now. Did I really ever say I wished that she knew the difference between me and someone else and would sometimes prefer me??? I am definitely eating those words now. If she is tired and she has any idea that I am around she will scream, and scream and scream and scream, until she gets me. It frustrates and depresses Brennan, not sure which it does more. And it certainly frustrates me. I am a total softy so it is hard to let her cry for so long when I know that if I just hold her she will calm down. But after fighting her to sleep 2 to 4 times during the day, I would really love for Brennan to be able to put her to bed.
My mantra lately has been the quote "He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it". It's not as if I ever regret the decision to become a mom or to stay home with Tatum. And it's not as if it is really that awful. But in the moment I often feel despair and I repeat that quote to myself. And I do find myself buying into the generally accepted views of society. I find I am often thinking to myself "I just need a little time to myself". Or in desperation I will say to Tatum, "Mom just needs some time without you. Please sleep." Some 'me time' right? It seems we think we are entitled to some of that. But aren't we here to learn to forget about ourselves and care more about others? Sure, some 'me time' would be nice. But how selfish. Sometimes it doesn't happen, in fact, frequently it doesn't. Should I really complain about that? Tatum is such a gift and this opportunity that I have to be home with her and to raise her is a blessing. And what about my Father in Heaven? When I need Him does He ever say "Rachel, I just need some time to myself. Go to sleep." The thought is laughable, I know. Clearly, I have a lot to learn about being a parent.
So, what is the purpose of this post? I started it to sort of vent about the hard time I've been having. It has been a very emotionally and mentally taxing week or two as we have been dealing with this new phase. But I guess in the course of writing this post, maybe I learned a thing or two. Sometimes this is really hard (Pathetic, I know. I'm a wimp.) but all I have to do is look at that adorable/funny picture to know that it is more than worth it.
Even on the hard days I should be grateful.
I'll work on it.